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Tom Foolery, Shenanigans and General Fuckery - Jokes

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One cow says to the other, "Are you worried about the mad cow disease?"

"No" he says.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a helicopter."

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I remember my grandfather's last words he said to me before he kicked the bucket....

"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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A man and a woman walk into an elevator.

 

After a little while of standing in silence, he turns to her and says " can I smell your feet?"

 

She said "YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!"

 

"Oh," he says, "must be your pussy then."

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I got caught fapping while sniffing the underwear of my friends mother.

 

It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't wearing them at the time.

 

He went fucking ballistic.

 

Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward for the both of us.

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Got my Concealed Gun Permit Yesterday…

...and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm hand gun for home protection.

 

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions little clearer

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