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Scott Lance Smith, March 27, 2019 in Off-Topic - No Militia Related Topics
Hope this brightens your day:
Julia's mother asked her, "Why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?" "Because," Julia answered, "that's where my canary is."
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real. The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
Why did the doctor carry out blood tests on the secretarial candidates? So that he could eliminate type-O's.
Peanuts are NOT nuts! If they are not nuts, then what are they? They are legumes. Real nuts (also called drupes) grow on trees while peanuts grow underground.
Russia’s closed cities were literally cities that were “closed”. Only certain residents were allowed to enter. They wouldn’t show up on maps (not till 1993). If you were allowed to enter them, you had to keep it a secret. Trains and bus routes would not go to these cities. These cities were created in order to hide Russia’s research and work for their nuclear weapons program.
I will never forget what my NCOIC said in Desert Storm, "You do not have to like each other, but you have to keep each other alive till this (^%#^&) is over".
Banks have done more injury to the religion, morality, tranquility, prosperity, and even wealth of the nation than they can have done or ever will do good.” Second President John Adams (1735–1826).
Lock Picking - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
https://gsmpao.weebly(DOT)com/WE are primarily a Prepper Organization, join us.
A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.” “When did these start?” “Next Thursday.”
Why is it always a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover? Because you should never press your luck.
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband. "Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks. "Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.
"That guy was so happy that it's St Patrick's day, that he was literally bouncing off the walls!" "Who was it?" "Rick O'Shea."
Who eats the most cheese in the world? The answer is the country of Denmark. They eat cheese at the rate of 28 kg per person (according to 2016 numbers). Iceland came in second place with Finland rounding out the top three.
The blue whale is the heaviest animal in the world. In addition to reaching lengths of 80 feet long, they also weigh up to 200 tons, or 400,000 lbs.
Maxforce” is an industrial strength Roach Killer.
Animal Meat - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
Thanks Scott, glad your back, always enjoyed the funnies**
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles!
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. “What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk. “And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?” “My wife.”
Butterflies do not have taste buds. They taste with their feet. They stand on their food to get a sense of it and then decide if they want to eat it or not.
Everyone has a birthday, right? Well it appears that more people have a birthday on September 9. That is the most common birthday in the United States. Birth data also shows that September is the busiest month for babies being born.
I used to run a dating agency for chickens... But I was struggling to make hens meet!
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home. As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lying here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
Medicial Plants - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
Now that's a menu
Great Scott ! you aint lion**
A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. "This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies." "I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins!" "That's funny," the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets!" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"
There is a place in the United States where chickens can’t cross the road. In the town of Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for chickens to cross the road. If caught, the chicken owners can be held liable.
Farming Structures - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.” Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."
This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" "That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
A crush is short term yet strong attraction felt for another person. But when is a crush not a crush? According to psychologists, a crush will only last 4 months. After 4 months, those feelings enter the “in love” category.
20) Potato chip bags can be used as Faraday Cages, they block EMP/electronic (THEFT) signals. For cell phone & credit cards
21) When on “Patrol” or Escape/overrun rally point choose a Post Office. It is the building there is only one in a ALL municipalities.
22) Converting Modern Vehicles to EMP Safe...Using hot rod / racing parts most vehicles can be retroed back to pre-electronic all mechanical set ups. You need an early block tho. After about 1991 Chevrolet eliminated the boss on the block for a mechanical fuel pump. Older blocks are still out there as well as new, racing ($$$$) type blocks. You must remove the electric fuel pump from inside the tank and bypass it. Then a mechanical fuel pump, a carburetor and points type distributor / coil set up and your good to go.
Meat Structures - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: "My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me." Second woman: "I know." First one: "How?" Second one: "My dog told me."
Hall of Fame pitcher Greg Maddux leads the pack by having won the Major League Baseball (MLB) Gold Glove award 18 times. The Gold Glove award is given at the end of the season to one player in each league (National and American) who played the best defense for his position.
Nature Skills - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
What happened when dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!
Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?" "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out." "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father. "Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"
Wolf pups are blind and deaf when they are born. It usually takes around two weeks before they are able to see and hear.
Nutrition - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
Two eskimos were chatting. One said, “Where did your mother come from?” “Alaska.” “Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!”.
My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation. When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, "Well, actually, what she said was I was the 'last resort.'"
Eskimos have a lot of words to refer to snow. They have 50 words to be exact. We won’t list them all, but here are a few: apun, akillukkak, sillik, apuuak, pukak, perksertok, natigvik, and milik.
Permanent Shelter - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
I very much enjoy reading your comments to my Posts.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
A wife served some homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast and waited eagerly for her husband’s reaction. When none was immediately forthcoming, she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?” Without looking up from his newspaper, he replied, “About ten years.”
It’s not that your blood actually turns to the color green underwater. It begins to appear that way at around the 30 feet below mark. Different colors (which are different wavelengths of light) get absorbed by water at a different rate. The color red disappears quicker but blues and greens travel longer.
21) When on “Patrol” or Escape/overrun rally point choose the MAIN Post Office. It is the building there is only one in a ALL municipalities.
Homemade Helicopters - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
Most loving mothers change many smelly diapers. Every day. Yet, they absolutely lose it when their husbands pass gas. Go figure.
Two brothers were fast asleep in their room when the eldest heard a thud sound. Eldest: What's that sound? Youngest: Oh, it's just my t-shirt falling off my bed. Eldest: T-shirt? Why was it so loud? Youngest: Because I was still in it.
A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes for the sun to orbit once around the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. One cosmic year is equal to 225-250 million years.
Physical Communication - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?” ”Trying to find a way out, sir.”
I was helping out with a tennis camp for little kids. At the beginning, the tennis pro running the event was talking about good sportsmanship. He asked, "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?" This cute little 5-year-old raised his hand, got called on, and said, "Baseball."
Jim Thorpe became the first native american to ever win a gold medal in the 1912 Summer Olympic games in Stockholm, Sweden. He won two gold medals, in the Pentathlon and the Decathlon. Less than a year later it was discovered that he had played minor league baseball prior to the 1912 games, thus removing his amateur status. He was forced to return his gold medals.
Water Purifying - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy...So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable WiFi!
A little girl won two goldfish at a fair. When the family arrived home, her mother asked her what she was going to call them. “I think I’ll call them One and Two,” said the little girl. “They’re unusual names for goldfish. Why have you chosen them?” ”Because if One dies, I’ll still have Two!”
On April 2, 2019, Russell Westbrook joined Wilt Chamberlain in the NBA (National Basketball Association) record books. Westbrook, of the Oklahoma City Thunder, became only the second player to record a triple double with over 20 points, rebounds, and assists. He ended the game with 20 points, 20 rebounds, and 21 assists.
Planning Skills - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing? You must answer the telephone!" New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you."
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My dad's a ball player. He can throw a ball and be there before the ball lands on the ground."The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45."
Ancient Egyptians worshiped the onion and viewed it as a symbol of eternal life. When burying the Pharaohs, they would be buried with onions alongside them.
Budget - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
lolololol on the civil servant job, had friends that worked with the county, lazy f ks.
Like the food buying schedule, gonna try it out**
One fisherman to another, "You should've seen what happened yesterday at the lake." "What happened?" "I caught a twenty-three pound salmon!" "Were there any witnesses?" "Yes, of course! If there wasn't, it would've been thirty-three pounds."
A world famous movie star is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his motivational speech to a group of businessmen, when a man walks up to him. "Excuse me, sir, I don't want to bother you, but my name is Steve, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'." The movie star readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.The star comes up and says, "Hello, Steve." Steve replies, "Not now! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.
Steve McQueen, famed actor, owns a patent for bucket seats. McQueen, star of such films as Bullit, The Great Escape, Papillon, and The Magnificent Seven. It was during the filming of Bullit, that McQueen came up with and patented the design for the bucket seats used in the Ford Mustang.
Hydroponic System - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A father saw his son out in the backyard cleaning their homemade swing, a rubber tire hanging by a rope from a tree branch. The son was hosing it down, wiping it off, dusting out the inside. The puzzled father went outside and said, “Son, I thought you were playing on the golf course with your friends this afternoon?” "I was," replied the boy. "But the golf instructor said I needed to improve my swing."
The piano was invented in Italy in the early 1700’s by Bartolomeo Cristofori. The original name for this new instrument was “piano et forte”, which means ‘soft and loud’. Cristofori then shortened it to piano.
Fish - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater... I'm thinking of turning pro, but I'm going to put that decision off for awhile.
Two nuns were driving alone out in a rural area. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline."I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot." The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
The winner is, the Sony Playstation 2! With sales crossing the 155+ million units sold mark, the Playstation 2 (also known as PS2) currently ranks as the highest selling game console of all-time.
Saw Mill - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
"I have traveled just about all over the world." "Wow, you must know geography well?" "Oh yes, I spent 2 months there!"
Five year old Frankie's parents bought him some new shoes. It had been raining so they told Frankie, "You can't walk in mud puddles with your new shoes." Frankie went outside as his parents watched from the window. The first thing Frankie did was go to the nearest mud puddle and began to stop his feet in the muddy water. With the biggest smile on his face Frankie ran back into the house and announced his shoes work just fine in mud puddles.
NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration) has no issues when it comes to surfing the web or streaming videos. While 25-50 Mb per second are the “norm speed” for everyday internet use, NASA’s internet speed is 91Gb (with a ‘G’) per second.
Defence A - Feel Free To Copy & Share.
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